Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
