i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
