it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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