Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
