Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
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