Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
