a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
