I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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