I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
