I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
there is glitter all over my balls
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