can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
