2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
