Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
sarcasm needs its own font
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
