i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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