Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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