I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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