look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
