My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
