I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
