I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
