I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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