Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
