I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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