a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
