I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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