Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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