I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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