Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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