Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
