my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
