My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
