Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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