U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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