My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
