I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
