Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My feet surprised me
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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