I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
