In the future we'll all be gay
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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