he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
