Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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