she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
