I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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