herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
