I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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