am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
