Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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