Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is it penis luge time yet?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
