fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
