she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
