Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
