Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just pee around me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
