I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
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