Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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