I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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