dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
