omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
BRING THE BAGELS
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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