Don't make out with my wife yet
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
