if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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