i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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