i barfeds in our rink
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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